My unfortunate conclusion? Slovenia is fake.

If you read my recent post from Turkey,  you know I was scammed and suckered.   Played the fool,  punked.

Well,  it happened again.   I now realize that the entire country of Slovenia is an elaborate hoax set up to make me feel better after what happened in Turkey.    I should thank someone but I just don’t know who to thank.

I had been traveling in this absolutely gorgeous country for a few days marveling at just about everything which made it seem like I was in some grand edition of Disney where I must have somehow snuck past the turnstiles.   But things were really after several days of this starting to look a little suspect.    The shark was jumped when I arrived at the picture perfect coastal village of Koper.   As I walked around the cozy cobblestone streets which – like every other picture perfect village in this “country” (or film set…  Whatever)  once again not a scrap of trash to be seen in a busy port town.   Come on,  really?   But the whole scam jumped the shark when I  reached the marina.

The water was perfect blue.   There wasn’t a scrap of trash and there wasn’t any oil floating on the water.    In fact,  the boat lines had no algae on them. Really.   The mooring ropes were clean.  Please take this photo as evidence:

There's no trash or oil in this water.   Not real.
There’s no trash or oil in this water. Not real.

This was the last straw.
For the previous week I had accepted all of the items below which finally had the cover blown off them – I submit to you:

– The capital city looks like the complete version of Disney’s magical castle area (I think it’s fantasy land) …. Except it’s supposedly real.  And it’s really a few hundred years old.  Of course there is a castle on the hill overlooking it. .. of course

Nope, this isn't part of the Magic Kingdom that you missed.  It's ljubljana
Nope, this isn’t part of the Magic Kingdom that you missed. It’s ljubljana
Not 'Disney At Night'
Not ‘Disney At Night’
Look - they have a Dragon bridge -- and I am supposed to believe this?
Look – they have a Dragon bridge — and I am supposed to believe this is a place where people actually live?

– every road in Slovenia is perfectly paved.  It’s the polar opposite of Madagascar.

The direct opposite of Madagascar, every road in Slovenia - even the steepest mountain road, is great.
The direct opposite of Madagascar, every road in Slovenia – even the steepest mountain road, is great.

– the cars drive perfectly.   Speed limits are obeyed,  all signals are adhered to,  speed limits are followed,  no one uses the horn ever,  turning signals are apparently always used.
– water so clear in every place that you think it’s glass ….

Oh, what a cute duck.  Too bad it's fake.  Like the "lake" and the "mountains".
Oh, what a cute duck. Too bad it’s fake. Like the “lake” and the “mountains”.
Oh look, another perfect "lake"
Oh look, another perfect “lake” – sure, I can see the fish.   That always happens.
Oh how cute, clear water, bridge, church.  Fake.
Oh how cute, clear water, bridge, church, more ducks, Fake.

– except for the fact that it’s either the craziest clear green or clear aquamarine you’ve ever seen.

How much paint did they use on those rocks?
How much paint did they use on those rocks?
The sketchy bridge was built to add a sense of realism to an otherwise unbelievable set.
The sketchy bridge was built to add a sense of realism to an otherwise unbelievable set.

– They have alps.  Really tall, really beautiful, really green …. alps.

This one is plausible.   I saw something like this in "the sound of music"
This one is plausible. I saw something like this in “the sound of music”
Alps have houses like this - it's just part of being an Alp.
Alps have houses like this – it’s just part of being an Alp.

– Without question Slovenia has the coolest caves that you have ever seen.   Gigantic caves with rives running through them hundreds of feet in both height and length.

Blurry picture without a tripod but this gorgeous canyon has a river running through it.
Blurry picture without a tripod but this gorgeous canyon has a river running through it.
Just another cave with a river .....
Just another cave with a river …..

– every village in Slovenia looks like a set for a “Lord of the Rings” movie (These photos are all different villages)

Runner up "Lord of the Rings" Village.
Runner up “Lord of the Rings” Village.
Runner up "Lord of the Rings" Village number 2.
Runner up “Lord of the Rings” Village number 2.
Runner up "Lord Of the Rings" number 3
Runner up “Lord Of the Rings” number 3

– you can’t drive more than 15 minutes without coming across a medieval castle or town.   More than likely perfectly framed in front of a gorgeous mountain.

Oh, look, perfect water, swan, castle on the hill.  Fake.
Oh, look, perfect water, swan, castle on the hill. Fake.
Oh, Look, a church on an island in a clear blue lake, with a castle and mountains.  Sure.  Right.
Oh, Look, a church on an island in a clear blue lake, with a castle and mountains. Sure. Right.
This castle is so basic it's almost not worth including.
This castle is so basic it’s almost not worth including.

– One of the castles is actually in the cave.

Duh!  Of course you put the castle IN the cave - how can you not if you are able to?
Duh! Of course you put the castle IN the cave – how can you not if you are able to?
I know you are thinking - "Sure, it looks like it's in the cave but is it REALLY in the cave?  Answer - YES!'  .... Fake.
I know you are thinking – “Sure, it looks like it’s in the cave but is it REALLY in the cave? Answer – YES!’ …. Fake.

– Other castles rest high about perfect blue lakes that have mini islands that have perfect churches on them …. how quaint.

view from a castle, over a lake.
view from a castle, over a lake.

– You can drive into Italy in less than 20 minutes – and of course along the way you might see a medieval fortress that you can wander around in.  Of course.

Random fortress, no tourists, no admission charge.
Random fortress, no tourists, no admission charge.
Oh!  Look!  Now I'm in Italy! Yeah!
Oh! Look! Now I’m in Italy! Yeah!

– everyone in the country understanding at least basic English,   most being nearly fluent.
– the wifi works great all over.   Even in hostels in tiny villages.
– Delicious, world class and yet home cooked food everywhere you look ….. that’s also pretty inexpensive.
– There’s a wine region – it looks like I think Italy’s wine region does – with castles of course.

Look - it's wine country - with castles!
Look – it’s wine country – with castles!

– all roads are clearly labeled and every destination name seems to appear exactly when needed.   No Google maps required.
– beaches,  mountains,  caves,  rivers,  cities and villages and nothing is more than a three hour drive from anywhere.   Let me bold that one to emphasize – there is no drive of more than 3 hours to get to any of these places in this country.   Now tell me THAT doesn’t scream ‘movie set’.  Right?
– there appear to be 3 homeless people in the entire country.

Spot the homeless people - wait - you can't!!!
Spot the homeless people – wait – you can’t!!!
Where's the homeless homie?  Nowhere!
Where’s the homeless homie? Nowhere!

– it was cloudy and cool for two days when that was exactly what I needed after a month of 95 degrees.
– The cities on the coast look like Venice with those cute old buildings and more castles and towers.

Hmmm - looks like Venice.
Hmmm – looks like Venice.
Looks more like Venice .. but no trash
Looks more like Venice .. but no trash

But the cleanliness of the harbor was just too much.  I am sorry to whoever the “Truman show”  genius that put this together for me.   The gig is up.   Turn the cameras off.   I’m on to you.   I’m going full skepto on you.   Come out from behind the curtain.   Now!

……. Waiting…… Waiting…….

You know I really should have realized it thinking after the fact this is not possible but – there are no brown fields in Slovenia.  It’s green everywhere.  I mean Everywhere.

Cow says: "What you lookin for Mark?  A brown field in Slovenia?  Not gonna find it"
Cow says: “What you lookin for Mark? A brown field in Slovenia? Not gonna find it”

While I  am waiting I should add that it should have been been a giveaway.   I’m guessing that budget wasn’t high enough to pay for a really convincing number of extras so the serious lack of “tourists”  should have tipped me off.   The one or two bus loads of Asians I saw at a couple of spots  just doesn’t cut it.   The place is gorgeous and there’s just not enough tourist traction – hardly any.

Once again – there are 1/2 as may tourists here than in any other place that we have been so far.  Right.

So, the takeaway is this.  If I were once again a sucker and I was asked “Where would you go for a two week vacation” and I wasn’t ahead of this Ruse, I would tell you to go to Slovenia.  You would come back, call me an jerk and show me pictures of a giant, flat, brown field with nothing on it.  I’m sure of it.  The prop crew would have pulled it all down, the extras who played the ‘locals’ would be gone and the ‘Mark in Slovenia’ show would be making the rounds on the reality outlets.

So I’m not gonna go there.   Guess what?  Water isn’t this color and you can’t drink it in real life …….

Water perfectly green but then it's drinkable ....
Water perfectly green but then it’s drinkable ….

Don’t go to Slovenia.   It’s fake.

Here are a few more photos to wrap this legend up – you decide …… and until next time The Curious Adventure continues …..

IMGL0791 z IMGL0681 IMGL0425 IMGL0411 IMGL0320 IMGL0360 ducks_churchd

4 thoughts on “My unfortunate conclusion? Slovenia is fake.

  1. the internet often distorts sarcasm and wit. i am unsure at exactly what i’m reading vs what i comprehend vs what ever i take away from this. your camera most certainly knows fake from real though, and seems to be issuing forth a different theory. but i might agree that it’s freakishly clean and nice looking.

  2. Great pictures maybe a bit oer the top of sarcasm but funy. Also, the JIG is up not the gig, that’s music.

    Love you keep it up.

    Mom

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